path: root/archer

Krenshaw: Archer. CodeName Dutchess. heh. Known from Berlin to Bangkok as the worlds most dangerous spy.
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Malory: What is the point of these simulations
[Archer Mutters]
Archer: Krenshaws Arousal
Malory: If You Do'nt Take Them Seriously.
Archer: How can I? between his lame accent and the go-cart battery
Krenshaw: Golf Cart.
Archer: ShutUp.
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Archer: And speaking of lame my codename
Malory: Was chosen at random by the ISIS computer.
Archer: Random.. It was your dogs name.
Malory: oooh Dutchess.. I loved her sooo much.
Archer: That it was creepy and pathetic.
Malory: and if you were half as smart as she was
Archer: She wasn't to smart to die from eating chocolate was she?
Malory: [GASP] Exercise Terminated....
Archer: Alright that's lunch then.
Malory: Agents performance Unsatisfactory!
Archer: Aww Come On. at worse that was needs improvement.
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Krenshaw: Jesus Archer..
Archer: What?
Krenshaw: You think this is a game?
Archer: No, I think Jenga's a game. and ah
Krenshaw: What if I had been real KGB?
Archer: I'd assume you'd be trying to suck a promotion out of a real Russians guys cock.
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[Phone Rings, Answering Machine Picks Up]
Archer: Leave a messege at the tone.......ummm tone
456Laundry: This is 456Laundry, Your Shirts are ready for a week.
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Archer: LANA.. hey.. hey what does this smell like?
Lana: Ummm, Like the disfunctional asshole I brokeup with six months ago.
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Lana: OMG you're amazing..
Archer: You are amazing sweetstuff.
Lana: Wanna do it again and put on some inter-racial porn?
Archer: God it's like my brain is that tree and you're those little cookie elves.
Lana: [blows a kiss] mmmmmaaww
[Phone Rings]
Archer: ahh Just a second.
Lana: No baby don't answer that.
Archer: I have to it's mother.
Lana: [Turning off porn] aww I can not believe you.
Archer: No tun it, turn it on.. I can do both.
Lana: [makes awe face]
Archer: What?
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Lana: So don't speak to me ever, and while you're not ever speaking to me Jump Up Your Own Ass and Die!
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Archer: Come on 22 Black.. 22 black 22 BLACK ASS SON OF A BITCH.. ah ha Not you giant African man, I'm sorry can I offer you a drink. How about this exspensive prostitute?
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Malory: ISIS isn't your own personal travel agency, It doesnt exist just so you can jet off to.. Whore Island!
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Archer: There's my favorite section head.
Pam: I am dealing with the break-room problem.
Archer: Oh good you caught the uh.. oh wait I had something for this The PITA Predator.
Pam: You know what?
Archer: Sorry let's just call it what it is, The Food Rapist.
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Cheryl: Are.. you gonna pay for your lunch?
Archer: Just the tip...
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Cyril: [Answering Cell Phone] Yes Hello.
Archer: Hi who's this?
Cyril: Cyril.
Archer: I'm sorry did you say faggis?
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Archer: [Breaking into ISIS Mainframe] Password.. hmmm password how about guest?
Archer: No Way It Can't Be.. Jesus Christ that is just baby town frolics.
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Archer: She is baby crazy.
Lana: BABY CRAZY...
Archer: That's why I dumped her.
Lana: You little, you saq of shit. I Dumped You Cause You're Dragging Around a 35 YearOld Umbilical Cord.
Archer: See all you talk about is baby shit, because you're baby crazy.
Lana: You wanna see crazy?
Archer: No I've seen that movie and spolier alert it ends with a closet full of my suits on fire.
Lana: I wish you'd have been wearing one.
Archer: Who would wanna wear an on-fire suit?
Lana: CosPlay Enthusiast.
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Krenshaw: [Holding Malory at GunPoint] What if I shoot her momma's boy?
Malory: Sterling...
Krenshaw: Yes, Picture her dead in the gutter..
Malory: Sterling..
Krenshaw: and what your pathetic life would be life without old mommy dearest.
Lana: Jesus Christ.. He's got an erection..
Malory: WHAT...
Krenshaw: The hell is wrong with you people?
[Gun Fire... Archer kills Krenshaw]
Archer: Nothing, you on the other hand 
[Malory hits Archer over the head with her purse]
Malory: An Erection!?
Archer: owee OWEE.. Hey what's in there buckles?
Malory: The thought of me dead gives you an erection?
Archer: No, Just half of one. The other half would have really missed you.
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[Drunk at a party]
Archer: A secret agent, thats what I am and I shouldn't be saying that but you have a certain thickness about you that I find very appealing.
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Archer: So obviously I'm not happy about the whole arrangement but,
Cyril: But, Your Mother is so..
Archer: But.. I wonder what Lana thinks about it.
Cyril: oh Lana not need to know on this.
Archer: Wow, Open purse remove balls huh?
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Cheryl: Cyril's off somewhere with Mr. Archer.
Lana: say, I'm sorry what? Cyril's off what with whom?
Cheryl: I think somehwere was the what there, and Mr. Archer was the whom.
Pam: Worlds collide huh?
Lana: ummm.
Cheryl: Kinda inevidable really for a serial work-place dater.
Lana: Oh Yeah.. Call the kettle black.
Cheryl: [Speaking to Pam] aww.. Did she just race card me? errr are you totally just gay for her?
Pam: I'm the Human Resources Director, Little Miss Hostile Work Environment.
Cheryl: [whispering] she is riddled with herpes.
Pam: Hey, inappropriate work place topic, and also a deal breaker.
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Cyril: No I mean morality aside, how do you keep track of all these lies.
Archer: Practice Cyril, lieing is like 95 percent of what I do.
Cyril: In your job..?
Archer: ...sure.
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Cyril: Hey will I get to learn karate?
Archer: Karate.. the Dane Cook of martial arts, No.. ISIS agents use Krav Maga
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Malory: Is that Lana.
Lana: Wow, what happen to you?
Malory: Scatter brain Jane. but let me just tell you, you should be thankful you have Cyril.
Cheryl: [laughing] for about 12 reasons.
Lana: Well thank you Malory, but if you don't mind I'd prefer to keep my personal affairs out of the office.
Malory: Oh Please, She's had more pens in that company ink than a pen store.
[Cheryl looking thru Kane's personal medical records]
Cheryl: and yet does not have herpes.
Pam: Deal Unbreaker.
Cheryl: [gag]
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[Archer talking to Cyril]
Archer: OMG You killed a hooker.. 
Cyril: She was a call girl..
Archer: No Cyril when they're dead they're just hookers...
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Malory: Well thats the mainframe and these are all just drones...
Staff: Hey....
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Pam: You're Kidding.
Archer: No I'm dead serious, I wanna file an HR complaint against Conway.
Pam: On what grounds.
Archer: He touched my penis with his penis.
Pam: Wooooow!
Archer: yeah, he just came up to me and was like [making noise] pweeep.
Pam: Where?
Archer: All of it head and shaft and I, oh you mean where in the building.
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Cheryl: Tell Conway his secret Santa wants to cum early.
Cyril: eeeeeew.
Cheryl: Or you know who ever brings Jewish people their christmas presents.
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[Talking about Conway]
Lana: Who is this guy?
Archer: I dunno but I got a bad feeling about mothers little project Conway.
Lana: So, I must be having a stroke becuase we actually agree on something.
Archer: Wait, really?
Lana: Totally, I mean he shows up outa nowhere and starts trying to get all up into everthing. I mean salsa, frodo
Archer: Possibly mother
Lana: And what do we even know about him?
Archer: Only that he's not circumcized.
Lana: OK... glossing over how you know that.
Archer: We touched penises.
Lana: NO!! GLOSSING!!
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Archer: [Sniffing Air] What the hell smells like shrimp?
Cheryl: Just my sensual womanhood, oh wait eeew.
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Malory: Lana just because you're not the only black agent..
Lana: Hey... That is not.
Malory: Urban what ever.. You come in here and accuse Conway of what exactly?
Lana: Ok fine, I can't prove anything right now but that..
Malory: That never stopped J. Edna Hoover from pursicuting Martin Luther King now did it?
Lana: What does that have to do with, [Lana Pauses] Wait, J. Edna?
Malory: You never heard that? How Hoover was this huge cross dressing chicken hawk?
Lana: I had not.
Malory: Thats exactly the kind of slanderous and unsubstantiated rumor I will not tolerate at ISIS, think about that while you're on suspension.
Lana: While I'm on what?
Malory: What are you deaf and racist.
Lana: I'm Black.
Malory: Oh put it back in the deck.
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Archer: You know whats dangerous? Seriously Lana call Kenny Loggins cause you're in the danger zone.
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Malory: Ohh Damn now I bet she's gonna squeeze up all my brand new lemons and I have nothing left to remind me of Conway.
Cheryl: Except his little mocha love child.
Malory: His What?
Cheryl: Yea.
Malory: You had sex with Conway?
Cheryl: Yeah and he totaly impregnated me.
Malory: He was only here two days, how is that preganancy test showing positive?
Cheryl: Oh, this is just a detergent pen I just put a little blue sticker on it.
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Malory: Do you not even skim the briefings in your InBox?
Archer: I Have an InBox?
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Malory: I don't want another one of your sullen whores using my medicine cabinet as a Pez dispenser.
Archer: That wasn't her fault! Who puts Oxycontin in a Xanax container?
Malory: People with servants!
Archer: But if they're stealing pills, how does it help to switch the labels?
Malory: Because they can't read English!
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Archer: Truckasaurus
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Uta: [Dresssed as a Hostess offering h'orderves] Gravlax?
Lana: Thanks no, I'm allergic to cat piss. Go away.
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[On his cell looking for a date]
Archer: What about Trinette? She said that? well how about Jade? eew no never mind. Destiny.. no she's not passable, with that adams apple she looks like she swallowed a rubic's cube.
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Malory: Oh. All hispanics look rougeish.
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Woodhouse: Sir, that stolen lemure bite one of your prostitutes right in the face and she says she can't go to the hospital becuase she's quote "Tripping Balls"
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Archer: You know when I was little I use to pretend you weren't my mother.
Malory: Me too.
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Roman: [clears throat] Can I help you.
Archer: Well I dunno can.. you? [Thumbing over his Got Dick? shirt]
Roman: Is this some sort of viral marketing?
Archer: What what no I meant.
Roman: Or are you asking me specifically if I have a penis?
Archer: Uh it's more of a conversation starter.
Roman: and Heres a conversation ender, Adiós.
Rudy: ooh bilingual snap.
Charles: thank you.
Archer: Do you not see me rockin' this chiseled slab of hard man body, I mean come on are you gay or not?
Roman: I am, but you are so not my type.
Archer: wha.. hey I am verybodys type.
Charles: ooh please..
Rudy: You are entirely too gay.
Archer: No I am not. are you kidding..
Charles: OMG you like sneeze glitter.
Rudy: Thank You.
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Cheryl: I think thats hot like somebody murdering me, it's like so intimate.
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Rudy: I wanna dress you up like a little gnome and just have you live in my garden.
Woodhouse: I would like some new clothes.
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Archer: So I just like what approach him in a bar?
Rudy: yeah, if I were you I'd try the CockFight.
Archer: Wha, A CockFight?
Charles: It's the name of a gay bar.
Rudy: but they also have actual cock fights.
Charles: Yea, Latino men you take the bad with the good.
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Rudy: Seriously Woodhouse how can you be so totally awesome and not gay.
Woodhouse: Well I was very fond of a boy at school once Reggie E. Sutherland, but he died in the war at Flanders.
Rudy: Flanders?
Charles: What war was that?
Woodhouse: Oh the great war.
Rudy: They're all great.
Charles: OMG yes those Nazi uniforms.
Rudy: Hugo Boss.
Charles: Shut Up.
Rudy: Swear to God, and look at slut just getting home.
Charles: Well I guess our advice worked.
Archer: No it didn't Roman blew me off.
Rudy: Then where you all night.
Archer: Way the christ out in the EverGlades buffering some Dominican Guy's rooster.
Charles: Fun.. oh you mean literally.
Archer: Yes. i mean look at my clothes, and what are you wearing Woodhouse?
Woodhouse: I..
Charles: We bought those for him and if you throw them off the roof I will fly to New York and fling acid in your face.
Rudy: Thank You.
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Malory: How hard can it be to talk a gay man into having anonymous sex?
Charles: Do you see the stereotypes we put up with.
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Malory: So you just listen to me Mr. Man get me some video of hot man on man action by tonight or don't bother coming home.
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Charles: But the stereotype thing has got me thinking because let's see Ramon is latino.
Rudy: and latinos are all about machismo.
Charles: So you may have to out macho him.
Archer: [Gay Voice] Out macho a gay guy oh my stars.
Charles: Or wait, you could just be a sarcastic bitch your whole life.
Rudy: Thank You.
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Charles: Ok we're off to get our scrotums waxed.
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Cheryl: You seriously don't think thats hot?
Pam: I seriously think that you're scarey.
Cheryl: No no no like a big sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building lays you on the sidewalk and you think ya ok he's gonna give me mouth to mouth instead he starts choking the shit out of you and the last thing sensation that you feel before you die is that he is squeezing your throat so hard that a big wet blob of drool drips off his teeth and just flurp falls right onto your poped out eyeball.
Pam: Jesus Christ!
Cheryl: I know right..
Lana: What the hell?
Cheryl: I'm wet just thinking about it.
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Cheryl: Hey will you choke me a little bit?
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Charles: Get on the floor you tacky-ass white after labor day wearing bitches.
Rudy: Thank You.
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Charles: I'm genuinely sorry about this.
Woodhouse: But may I keep the clothes?
Rudy: Forever and Always.
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Charles: Jesus, do you guys wanna put on your nightgowns crack open a tube of cookiedough and talk it out?
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Rudy: No Thank You.
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Malory: but, even though Cyril may be clingy.
Lana: Awww Saran Wrap could take a lesson.
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Pam: You know I think we're making some progress.
Cheryl: Where in opposite world we're never gonna finish all this.
Pam: We can if certain people would help.
Krieger: I'm sorry are you addressing me? because your authority is not recognized in Fort KickAss.
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Archer: [Holding empty glass] So Krieger how's about a roadie.
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Archer: Jesus you're so irresponsible.
Lana: Oh really go ask Pita who's irresponsible.
Archer: Hey, she knew the job was risky going in and since you didn't do your job.
Lana: I will alright just give me like a week.
Archer: Too late you had your chance and you blew it now how's my disguise?
Lana: ahh Depends who're you suppose to be top or bottoms stern yet sensual skipper of the U.S.S Ruff Service.
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Archer: How'd you get life insurance Lana? Don't they know you're in the.. "Danger Zone"
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Cheryl: Look what happens on this scratchy green office rug stays on this scratchy green office rug.
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Archer: Lana, Lana, Lana, LANA, LANAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....
Lana: What!?
Archer: Danger Zone
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Captain Lammers: We don't normally drink on the bridge.
Archer: We'll I don't normally fly on the Hindenburg 2.0
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Pam: You're just a dog in a manger.
Cheryl: I dunno what that means Pam I didn't growup on a cheese farm.
Pam: Oh for the love of.. It's called a dairy.
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Archer: Forget about Kraus there's your bomber.
[Malory, Lana, Captian] who, wait, who.
Archer: Beardsly McTurbinhead.
Malory: You idiot thats Sandu Sing the billiare investor, He's a sikh.
Archer: Oh so if he's not a muslim he just get's a pass, well thats called profiling mother and don't do it.
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Archer: ah.. Hello airplanes yeah it's blimps you win, bye.
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Pam: So you're ruining Cyril's life because in your dreamy impossible dream world it'll make Archer jealous?
Cheryl: Oh Pamilia you read my like a peom.
Pam: Yeah what the peom gonna be about when Cyril snaps and murders you?
Cheryl: I dunno, worlds gushiest orgasm.
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Pam: but is it suppose to be brown? [burp]
Cyril: It's not brown Pam, that color is called champagne.
Pam: Mmmmhmmm and why do you have it?
Cyril: Because I.. am gonna ask Lana to marry me.
Pam: and you're gonna give her that if she's says no
Cyril: hey..
Pam: Like a big screw you and your big lincoln logy fingers. [burp]
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Malory: Carol, Carol, oh wait. Cheryl, Cheryl hello. Cheryl I swear to god if I have to open my own salad again I will freakout.
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Lana: Why people picketing the cleaners?
Archer: I predicted this, it's curry furry.
Lana: Holy shit Is that Cyril?
Archer: and Pam, Krieger, Carol all the
Malory: Drones, they're not picketing the cleaners they're picketing ISIS.
Lana: Whats there beef?
Malory: oh the same entitled crap as always. I can't make ends-meat, I'm on food stamps, my child died because I couldn't afford new bone marrow.. Just ME ME ME ME ME ME.
Lana: Jesus who's kid died?
Malory: Oh who remembers, check Pam's blog.
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Archer: I mean didn't invent the turtleneck Lana but I was the first to recognize it's potential as a tacticle garment, the tacticle turtle neck Lana, the tacticleneck.
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Pam: Cyril you can't put a price on good pussy.
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Archer: So I crashed a few cop cars, ran over a few mimes, so I don't play by the rules mother but I get results.
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Archer: Yes now let's talk this out.
Lana: Talk what out? How you ruined my chance to work for ODIN? or oooh maybe how I just caught my boyfriend balls deep in some french chic.
Archer: Ex-boyfriend I bet.
Lana: Ya Think?
Archer: Ya he's not coming back that chic was like the Pelé of anal.
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Cyril: All interoffice fraternizing of an intimate nature is herby prohibited to include but not limited to trist, assignations.. whats this even mean?
Pam: It means no more banging coworkers.
Cyril: Oh so it doesn't effect you.
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Malory: You idiots run around here likes it's springbreak on South Padre, just sex sex sex.
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Cheryl: Sorry Krieger but it's over so heres all your Creedence Clearwater Revival albums back.
Krieger: and now a sad moon is on the rise.
Cheryl: I know devasting, but it's not you it's your weak womany hands.
Krieger: There Not..
Cheryl: It's like being choked by a child which I thought would be hot but..
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Danny: No.
Pam: Yes.
Danny: No.
Pam: Have sex with me.
Danny: No.
Pam: Please.
Danny: No.
Pam: [using a stuffed dolphin puppet] Oh come on no one would ever know.
Danny: Yeah, I'd know.
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Lana: Ok we got the french chic and Cheryl and anybody else Rambone?
Cyril: ah No..
Jane: [Walking by] Hi Cyril.. uhuhuh..*coughing*
Lana: Scatter Brain Jane.. really?
Cyrill Figgis: Well see she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer.
Lana: Ohohoho.. Right I forgot your dicks full of radiation and mastectomy coupons.
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Archer: Hey proposition first person to untie me, guy or gal I will let him or her give me a handy. Come on let's share the milk of youth.
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Archer: Videotex? Wow, growth industry.
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Anka: My hands are really burning.
Archer: Woh. That's first degree frost bite. Too bad you don't have big mitteny gloves like me. I can't feel a thing in them.
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Anka: Are you going to throw that in my face the rest of my life?
Archer: Yeah, all four minutes of it.
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Malory: Immigrants. Cramming their low riders full of free health care and... snow.
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Archer: I'm sure I've been in worse situations... but right now I'm kind of drawing a blank.
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Archer: I can't be alone. That's when she strikes like a slutty little Ninja.
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Archer: I forgot you won the Olympic gold medal in men's downhill.
Gillette: Well, ass, it was giant shalom and I only took bronze.
Archer: So? You lost?
Gillette: I came in third.
Archer: Which is last.
Gillette: Which is third...
Archer: Last.
Gillette: In he world.
Archer: You lost. Geeze, get over it.
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Archer: So does this look as bad as it looks?
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Anka: I'm from Germany, where the age of consent is 14.
Archer: What is it, the Alabama of Europe?
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Archer: She doesn't look like she's just turning 17.
Lana: No, she looks like she's just turning 18.
Archer: Exactly. Plus Europeans use the metric system...
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Lana: Gestad? Count me in!
Archer: And me out. I'm not getting frost bite protecting some old German guy.
Malory: Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim. It's his daughter Anka.
Archer: Who obviously needs someone on her. Constantly. I will that someone who's constantly on her.
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Cyril: I will start cooking the books.
Lana: Good thing you know how to cheat.
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Barry: Don't try anything stupid.
Archer: I don't have to try.... s**t, whatever, move.
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Gillette: Just try to think about something else like there's no sink in there.
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Cheryl: You can't control a person's heart. 
Krieger: You can with a little something I like to call a deep cycle marine battery... or LSD.
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Cheryl: Ouch, my earballs.
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Archer: My plan is to crowd source a plan.
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Barry: Yours for the taking, if you are similarly mine for the taking
Lana: "Taking" as in to get this job I have to have sex with you?
Barry: Hey, those are your words. And also mine, yes.
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Cheryl: Why don't you go back to Jamaica?
Pam: A) Because I got deported.
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Archer: You've been lying to me my entire life. Just for once I want you to tell me the truth.
Malory: Well, people in hell want ice water.
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Malory: And what? You think he wanted to mind control you into loving him?
Archer: You tell me, mother. That's your speciality!
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Malory: Sterling! Len! Either and or both? Where the hell are you? Len?
Barry: Do you know where he is?
Malory: Yes, I'm just screaming his name down the hall to celebrate that fact.
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Cheryl: So, Krieger's a doctor.
Cyril: Not the medical kind!
Krieger: Not even the other kind... technically.
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Archer: Why do we have so many damn dolls in here?
Pam: For sexual harassment complaints so people can non-verbally indicate where stuff happened on their bodies.
Archer: That takes like one doll.
Pam: Not if there's ever a gang rape. (fingers crossed)
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Archer: Can you put it in a person's brain?
Krieger: It'd suffocate.
Archer: Not the rabbit, you idiot - the chip.
Krieger: Oh yes, absolutely.
Archer: Without killing the person?
Krieger: Oh... maybe?
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Lana: Is that a friggin' candy bar?
Archer: Yeah, but do you think you need the calories?
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Malory: Why are you drinking?
Archer: It's a party.
Malory: It's a baby shower! For the bastard child you pumped into a filthy whore!
Archer: I'm obviously not saying now, but one of these days you're make the best grandmother ever.
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Krieger: So, uh have you ever thought about having a baby?
Cheryl: Sometimes I think about adopting a little baby so I could abandon it at a mall.
Krieger: That answers my follow up question.
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Pam: The mochachino ones are the cutest. And I guess he'd be half gay too. Can you say, "best dancer ever!?"
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Lana: Did you see me holding that baby?
Gillette: Look liked Tyson holding that dove.
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Gillette: Give her the rabbit, Lenny!
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Archer: That's disgusting. If I wanted to look at your bare feet, Woodhouse, I'd sneak in and do it while you're asleep.
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Archer: Because I told you to buy lemon curd, Woodhouse. Now what am I going to spread on my toast? Your tears?
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Trinette: Wait a minute. You liar, this isn't a condom wrapper! It's from a friggin' candy bar.
Archer: So? Sometimes I like to treat myself.
Trinette: Well, sometimes I like ovulate.
Archer: Well, I have to sleep, so do it somewhere else.
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Trinette: I'm retired.
Archer: Yeah, your 401(k) doing that well?
Trinette: I have a SEP, smart ass.
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Cyril: Ever since Lana and I broke up, I take solace in food.
Archer: Well keep your chins up, all eleven of them.
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Archer: What do you even do here? Sit on your ass and analyze data? Well I'm a field agent, Isaac Newton. I risk my life. So yeah, I do deserve the best space in the parking garage. Like it would kill you to roll fifty feet? The stupid thing's electric.
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Archer [to airboat owner]: I've waited my entire life to say this exact phrase, "I'm commandeering this airboat!"
Lana: Sorry, it really is an emergency.
Archer: Of an awesome and ass-kicking nature!
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Lana: He's attacked nuclear power plants, hydroelectric dams, and whaling ships.
Archer: Whaling ships? What he's got something against clean burning lamp oil? 
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Archer: His name's Gandalf and he's not a hippie?
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Flight Attendant: Sir, can you please find your seat?
Archer: Uh yeah, it's right there. Can you go find some more hurricanes for me?
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Archer: [If I brought food] I wouldn't have room for beer, and since I can't catch beer....
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Archer: She gets dinner in Dixieland and laid. And I get mosquitoes and no beer and not laid. How could this get any... [alligator murmurs] LET ME FINISH... worse. You ruined it. You ruined the moment.
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Gandalf: I love your new hairdo, by the way.
Lana: Well if you like the collar, you're gonna love the cuffs.
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Krieger: Pam, if you're dumping stuff on the street, you can also dump these.
Pam: What is it?
Krieger: Shattered dreams.
Cheryl: Smells like rotten meat.
Krieger: Also, yes.
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Lana: What's your third biggest fear?
Archer: Brain aneurysm.
Lana: What's a brain aneurysm have to do with walking around in a swamp?
Archer: Nothing, it can happen anywhere at anytime, that's what makes it so terrifying.
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Lana: What are your three biggest fears?
Archer: Getting stuck on a boat with you three times.
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Lana [opens cooler of nothing but beer]: You're s**tting me.
Archer: I know. A rainbow should shoot out every time you open it.
%
Malory: We all have to chip in to make ISIS green. Look at me chopping ice for a Tom Collins like a field hand... or do I want a mint julep?
%
Archer: Try clearing your throat about a gillion more times and see if that helps.
%
Archer: This must be what it's like to have sex with me.
Lana: How could an airboat be selfish?
%
Woodhouse: 1,200 pounds
Archer: No one is getting killed over however much that is in real money.
%
Archer: Did you see that? That was like like Steve McQueen and John Woo had a baby and that baby was you, baby.
%
Archer: You want me to take a baby to a murder?
Malory: Wherever, just out of here. I have no more love to give today.
Archer: What is it, like 2:30?
%
Pam: Can you explain compounding interest to Cheryl?
Cyril: Maybe if we had an infinite amount of time and she was some one else
%
Archer: I can do baby or I can do geezer murder mystery but I can't do both!
%
Archer: Cannot picture you as a fighter pilot.
Woodhouse: Oh no, sir. Not a pilot - a batman. An officer's personal attendant, in charge of keeping his kit in good order, seeing to his personal needs.
Archer: So a servant.
Woodhouse: Solider servant was the official term.
Archer: Yeah, way to advance.
%
Woodhouse: One by one, the last surviving member of the double duece are being... murdered.
Archer: Oh my god.... are we out of Bloody Marys?
%
Archer: You realize you're in huge trouble. 
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Archer: And now I have to spend my first Friday off in like forever...
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Archer: ...devising some bizarre punishment for you.
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Archer: So don't be suprised if you find yourself eating a whole bunch of spiderwebs.
%
Archer: Pam, wait up! Get me drunk enough and i might have sex with you
Pam: Really?
Archer: No. It's a catch-22. The amount of alcohol I would need would literally kill me. But I do want to see how many pool balls you can stick in your mouth.
Pam: My record's three.
%
Archer: Judging from the decor, I'm guessing Spelvin has one of those kick ass Japanese soaking tubs.
Cyril: After all that you want to take a bath? 
Archer: Do you not?
%
Cyril: I have one bullet left.
George Spelvin: He does?
Archer: Who am I? Count Bulletsula? Like Dracula. That was bad. Come back to me. I can do better.
%
Archer: Shoot him Cyril! But just him. I think the twins are warming up to me. Right? Am I getting some signals?
%
Archer: Dammit Cyril you said they were sexy.
Cyril: Ninjas are sexy.
George Spelvin: Right?
Cyril: Well I think so!
%
Archer: Take the suits to my tailor and the shoes to my shoemaker.
Cyril: You have a shoemaker?
Archer: Do you not?
%
Cyril: I happen to be a kick ass accountant!
George Spelvin: Did that sound a lot better in your head?
Cyril: Yes it did.
%
Pam: It could take hours for this to bypass the electronic lock.
Archer: Then I should definitely get my turtleneck.
%
Cyril: Archer, do something!
Archer: Who am I, Alan Turing? He was also in X-Men, remember?
%
Pam: How's the elevator supposed to work with a gillion pounds of computers on it?!
Cheryl: Who am I, Elisha Otis?
%
Cyril: Maybe I could kill that pesky old worm?
Pam: How you gonna do that? Disappoint it to death?
%
Archer: What is this thing, made of Wolverine's bones? Does no one here read X-Men?
%
Pam: The identity of every single ISIS field agent is on there!
Archer: So what?
Malory: Because most secret agents don't tell every harlot from here to Hanoi that they ARE secret agents.
Archer: Then why be one?
%
Cyril: You can't have a flasback with a flashforward in it. That's just bad writing.
%
Cheryl: Deaf people are gross.
Pam: Not as gross as the hook hand ones.
Cheryl: Eh? I dunno.
%
Rona: Where's my journal?
Pam: I maybe kind of sort of took it?
Gillette: Why would you do that?
Cheryl: Did you think it was meat?
%
Archer: Your stance. You're fighting yourself.
Rona: Excuse me?
Archer: You're all rigid and stiff. Which I'm all for. Rim shot.
%
Rona: Oh my god, if I possessed the capacity to be embarrassed.
%
Archer: You're just doing this to spite me!
Lana: And?
%
Archer: I am qualified because I happen to be the world's greatest secret agent.
Rona: But you're a man.
Archer: And then some.
%
Lana: This isn't the Sheriff's department where you get wear a windbreak and go on a ride-along. This is highly classified cover ops.
Rona: Yes! Covert ops! This is exactly the kind of spy lingo I want to soak up.
Pam: What part of highly classified do you not understand?
Rona: All of it!
%
Lana: Oh My... You're getting off on this!
Archer: And?
%
Cheryl: You're not my supervisor!
Pam: Shut up! We're going to go to prison.
Cheryl: No, we're not. Say the right stuff and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.
Gilette: I just this second realize why you do macrame instead of knitting.
Cheryl: Yeah, no sharp weapons on the ward. They were really strict about that.
%
Archer: I would have qualified... if I made it to the thing.
Lana: If your aunt has balls, she'd be your uncle.
%
Archer: Here's a sniper out there whose bullet could spark World War III and you idiots are tying up ISIS resources on high school bulls**t? Cause I don't really see a downside to that Archer-wise. So load up. There should be a big box of grenades around here somewhere.
%
Archer: That so hard? Count Snackula.
%
Malory: So make her 40.
Cyril: And who's going to play her?
Malory: Me! That's the whole point.
Cyril: You do realize there's a finite amount of Vaseline in the world?
%
Malory: I think I can sell them on a rewrite, if you fix it.
Cyril: For starters, I don't think you wanna say this guy is as coal black and thick-muscled as a fieldhand.
Malory: I don't need you for content, just for plot structure.
Cyril: Racist overtones aside, it really kinda limits your casting options. I mean, only two, three guys could play that.
%
Archer: Hello? There's this great new thing called coasters!
Cheryl: Geesh Al, sorry.
Archer: Don't apologize to me, apologize to the Brazilian Rosewood.
%
Archer: Lana, I'm in love with you.
Lana: You are also s**tfaced.
Archer: I can be both.
%
Trinet: You can't tattoo a baby!
Archer: That's what the tattoo guy said. I had to slip him an extra hundred bucks!
%
Archer: I wanted to spend some time with the Wee Baby Seamus.
Trinet: He's not even your real kid.
Archer: So?
Trinet: So it's weird.
Archer: So is me paying you child support, Trinet, but you keep cashing the checks.
Trinet: Hey!
Archer: I'm sorry. Come on Trinet, Seamus may not be my real son. But he's probably the closest I'm ever gonna get.
Trinet: Where are you taking him?
Archer: I dunno, what's he into?
%
Rita: Well if it isn't Chet Manley. 
Archer: And it's I want to say.. Peggy?
Rita: Rita. And you said you'd call me.
Archer: Really? To both statements...?
%
Doctor: Any history of alcoholism?
Archer [drinking]: You know, I drink socially.
Malory [also drinking]: Hah! What? I didn't have breakfast...
%
Krieger: My entire laboratory is at your disposal.
Malory: thanks I'll let you know if I need a hybrid pig-boy.
%
Malory: Especially Sterling. If he found out i might have breast cancer, he'd be devastated. This information cannot leave this... Pam what the hell?
Pam: What? Nothing.
Malory: You're texting about my... 
Pam: I'm not I swear, this is about...
Cheryl: Breast caner! Oh, you poor thing.
Malory: Pam! 
Pam: what?
Malory: What is wrong with you?
Pam: I can't help it. It's like a disease.
Malory: Pam!
Pam: Do you not know what disease means? Oh sorry I forgot you might have...
Cyril: Breast cancer!
%
Malory: I had a mammogram on Friday and they found something.
Pam: So is that why you're being such a bitch?
%
Cheryl: Do anything fun this weekend? Because I sure did. Friday night was cornhole league and then on Saturday...
Malory: If I cared what you do on the weekend I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.
Cheryl: Saturday I watched a building burn down.
%
Archer: Plus I can only assume a Brazilian mafia would be about a gazillion times hotter.
%
Archer: Cry "Havoc!" and let slip the hogs of war.
Krieger: Dogs of wars.
Archer: Whatever farm animal of war, Lana. Shut up.
%
Archer: I've been treating my cancer with sugar pills!?
Krieger: You didn't think it was weird your chemo drugs were chewable?
Archer: Little kids get cancer.
%
Lana: Well, you did threaten to stick a knife up his d**k hole.
%
Pam: Zing! ... Wildly inappropriate.
Krieger: Seriously, Pam.
Pam: Okay, clone wars.
Krieger: Zing.
%
Cyril: Kriegers father's was a Nazi scientist.
Malory: And JFK's father was a bootlegger.
Cyril: What!? That's like comparing apples to Nazi oranges.
%
Archer: What have I been doing?
Lana: Chain smoking joints the size of tampons.
Archer: Eww.
Lana: Just a figure of speech.
Archer: Still, eww.
%
Archer: She's not gay, she just has big hands.
%
Archer: Well, first of all, you don't have to yell. I don't have ear cancer.
%
Archer: Now shut up and kick in the door for me. And do it bad ass like I would. If I still had toe nails.
%
Archer: Lana, did you see my scarf?
Lana: Yes, Archer. I saw your scarf.
Archer: All my hair fell out.
Lana: I'm sorry.
Archer: Me too. It was my fifth best feature.
%
Gillette: My mother told me she loved me all the time.
Malory: Exactly, look how you turned out.
Gillette: Uh, with high self esteem?
%
Archer: I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss the Zima.
%
Archer: As you can see I have wine coolers on my feet because my toe nails are popping off like pogs.
%
Archer: Do I look like I need bald guy cream?. Mikey, I can barely get a comb through this. It's so thick my barber charges me double.
%
Archer: Hmm. C**k flavored spit? Well you never know what's gonna be on the board! Let me see cock-flavored spit!
%
Archer: Save it for the fast money round, Paddy.
%
Hostage: Do you have any have any idea who our boss is?
Archer: Nope, but 100 people surveyed. Number one answer's on the board. Name the douchebag who's in charge.
Hostage: Vincent van Gogh f**k yourself.
Archer: Hmm? Vincent van Gogh f**k myself? Survey says?
%
Pam: Who taught you to punch, your husband?
%
Lana: I am literally wet with jealousy.
%
Archer: What's his name?
Cheryl: Babou, but it should be buyer's remorse. Stupid thing's always sick.
%
Cheryl: And thanks Pam. Way to drag out a kidnapping. Now I'm late again. But this is a way better excuse than the train dwarf. Yuck.
%
Cheryl: Mopeds are fun but you don't want to let your buddies see you riding one.
Pam: I thought he meant I was fuel efficient. I had only had 10 ten beers.
Cheryl: 40s?
Pam: NO.... yes.
%
Cyril: I was jacking it on the telephone.
Archer: Does Internet porn know you were cheating on it?
%
Archer: I'm not negotiating with a cyborg.
Lana: That's just a voice modulator.
Archer: You don't think cyborgs have that technology!?
%
Malory: Guess how many pygmies died cutting it down? Hint: six.
%
Archer: Wow, what a p***y. He was spilling the beans so fast, i could barely keep up.
%
Malory: And if that's my pantsuit you're stretching out I'll have your guts for garters.
Gillette: You NEED some garters.
%
Gillette: Oh, rocket launchers. My car is slowing down for no apparent reason. Just must be out of... carburetor
%
Archer: Can you not rub your d**k in my mother's pantyhose, please?
%
Gillette: He's like a thousand.
Lana: You won't be having sex with him.
Gillette: Well, wait, he is a Duke.
Lana: No means no.
%
Archer: I've broken into way tougher places, right? Well, not without my turtleneck...
%
Archer: I have a plan that doesn't involve you stealing my toiletries.
Gillette: You're not using them. 
Archer: Yes, I am 
Gillette: Go look at your pores and then tell me you're using them
%
Malory: Why was he dressed as Hitler?
%
Archer: Why was I dressed like Hitler?
%
Gillette: Archer is drunk.
Malory: Who are you, Carrie Nation?
%
Gillette: How much?
Archer: It's hard to say. $800,000?
Gillette: You lost 800 grand!?
Archer: No, remaining.
%
Archer: Gummi bears all around! I'll eat hers if she doesn't have uhh teeth.
%
Benoit: Now if you excuse me, I must go find fresh towels and a whore.
Archer: Hey, Benoit, not to thick on either.
%
Lana: You turned archer loose with four million dollars in a casino?
Archer: Oh, don't worry. He may be vain, selfish liar and quite possibly alcoholic man whore, but gambling is one vice Sterling doesn't have.
Malory: Guess he's too busy doing all those other awesome stuff. Thanks, mother.
%
Malory: I am not sharing a room with you.
Gillette: No, I'm sharing it with you and it's the last room in the hotel. Mo view but it's got two queens.
Malory: Where's the other one, greasing up in the bathroom?
%
Barry: Your boots are slipping.
Archer: Probably because there's 200 pounds of asshole hanging from them
Barry: 183!
Archer: Whatever, fat boy. Tell that to my silk socks.
Barry: Why are you wearing silk socks?
Archer: Is that a joke?
%
Barry: He sodomized my fiancee.
Malory: You're still together?
Barry: Oh I'm sorry, ex-fiance. That's what I meant to say.
Malory: Then it wasn't it meant to be.
%
Archer: How is this happy play time? Use your imagines, make a soccer ball out of a dead cat.
%
Barry: Come on, it's your son's life.
Malory: And my money.
%
Archer: Those cannot be your only shoes. What am I saying? It's Russia. People probably come from miles around just to get their picture taken in those.
%
Malory: Lana, you go straight to Moscow.
Lana: Undercover?
Malory: Of course undercover.
Lana: As what? Russia's only black woman?
%
Malory: Ray, get your purse and take some midol, you're going back for him.
Ray: According to these notes from my doctor, a radiologist and my new neurologist I am doing no such thing.
%
Archer: I thought they just wanted my hair so their scientists could unlock the secret of its luxurious fullness. Touch it, Barry.
Barry: No.
Archer: Come on.
Barry: It's not that thick back here.
%
Archer: He'll have an unexpected dinner guest, who, may be his son. And for dessert, we will have the truth. You hear that mother? After lifetimes of your secrets and lies, we will finally have the truth! Oh and hopefully s**t loads of vodka.
%
Archer: Barry, wait, slow down!
Barry: Why?
Archer: So I can go past you!
%
Archer: So I can't stay for dinner. I assume that smell is cabbage and not just you two.
%
Archer: You know there is probably something I should learn from this but I... AWWW SHIT MY RUG!
%
Archer: Why the hell are you crying?
Krieger: That was my van.
%
Barry: One for three off the roof, bitch!
%
Barry: Besides sodomizing my ex-fiancee...
Archer: Only by the strictest legal definition.
%
Archer: If I stop drinking all at once, I'm afraid the cumulative hangover will kill me.
%
Lana: Dude, this van is like rolling probable cause.
Malory: All ashore from the S.S. Date Rape.
Ray: Toot, Toot!
%
Archer: Does Canada even have a spy agency?
%
Archer: Do you like to travel? Because if you don't find that bag, I will empty the entire contents of your body and use your leathery skin as a replacement.
%
Lana: On your knees, hands behind your head, and toss out that weapon! But not in that order.
%
Archer: You swallowed a pool ball?
Pam: I wish just one and I still got two to go.
%
Archer: I don't need a doctor, Katya doesn't have VD!
Malory: You haven't had sex with her?
%
Of course i'm not going to be a pirate, i'm going to be a pirate king.
Sterling
%
Rip: You just killed like ten pirates.
Sterling: Wow, if the five year old me knew that, he'd get a huge boner.
%
Rip: Those could be pirates.
Sterling: Okay, well then they'll do just have to do until we find some cowboys and indians.
%
Sterling: A ruse? Hi, it's 1930s, can have our words, and clothes, and shitty plane back?
Rip: Let's go, kid.
Sterling: Call you back, 1930s. And, hey, watch out for that Adolf Hitler. He's a bad egg.
%
Archer: So excuse me for needing some time to grieve.
Rip: By tending bar and banging newly weds?
Archer: Apparently that's my grieving process.
%
Pam: What a hunk
Cheryl: Total sploosh.
Lana: Yeah, gotta give him a sploosh.
Gillette: And whatever my equivalent of sploosh. Which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.
%
Did you watch Regis this morning?
%
You know there is probably something I should learn from this but I... AWWW SHIT MY RUG!
Sterling Archer
%
Archer: Why the hell are you crying?
Krieger: That was my van.
%
Lana: Don't take this the wrong way, but i'm trying to figure out how you're going to be an effective field agent.
Ray: Interesting coming from a woman.
%
I swear to god you could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Pam
%
I told you I'm not going anywhere, especially not back to ISIS and especially not now that I shot what I assume is the only radio?
%
Noah, I'm half drunk and slathered in every bodily fluid there is... so yeah... this is about as Pirate Kingy as I'm going to get so brief away... Noah... Good Morning.
%
Noah: How much of my blood does he need?
Lana: I dunno, 10 gils?
%
Lana: What's your blood type?
Archer: Who am I Karl Landsteiner?
%
I don't even remember who peed on your sofa. But if I was a gambling man...
Pam
%
Malory: For god's sake woman, where is your pride?
Cheryl: In my work.
Malory: That made be the funniest thing you've ever said.
%
You're so hot for him, I could reheat this chili in your chooch. So how about it? Chooch chili?
Pam
%
I gotta get back to Earth before the Stargate closes.
%
Malory: Especially since this one went and got himself paralyzed
Ray: Yeah, that's me, mr. selfish
%
Archer: New hot tub. 50 jets. Hand hewned California Redwood. No big deal
Burt Reynolds: The California Redwood is endangered.
Archer: So. I already got my tub.
%
Burt Reynolds: You should get a bat pole.
Archer: Nine thousand bucks.
Burt Reynolds: What?
Archer: Lowest quote I got.
Burt Reynolds: Well that's ridiculous.
Archer: For basically putting a pole where the garbage shoot already is already is. But the co-op board was all like, "where are we going to throw the garbage?"
Burt Reynolds: You can still throw it down the same shaft. And you'll have some garbage to land on.
Archer: If you're coming in hot it's a win win...
Burt Reynolds: And you were going to pay for it. No assessment or anything.
%
Archer: It's pretty hard to stay anonymous when you're the world's greatest secret agent.
Burt Reynolds: Well calling yourself that can't help.
%
Random Girl: I have to wait until my friend gets out of the power room.
Archer: Obviously we're going to wait for her, she's the hot one.
%
Pam: I for one an going to watch Hooper until my fingers bleed.
Cheryl: Just tape them up.
%
I'm sorry I can't hear you over the sound of my giant throbbing erection.
%
Krieger can't outrun anything with all that handicap shit.
%
Speaking of excellence, did you hear we met a tiger? Then he got murdered.
%
Calzado: Crocodiles on a three wheeler?
Archer: Right, how scary would that be?
%
Calzado: Tomorrow i will be hunting the most dangerous game in the world.
Archer: Jai alai?
%
Cyril: And I thought, what would Lana do?
Archer: Not Archer?
Cyril: No, I had to outsmart them.
%
Cheryl: It tastes worse than it smells!
Pam: Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy say that, i'd have eight nickels!
%
Lana: You're looking for Predator aren't you? A, he's invisible.
Archer: Not totally, he has a tall tell shimmer.
%
How about you Ironside, you riding dirty?
Pam
%
Malory: If you were in my tax bracket, you wouldn't be shouting such socialist propaganda.
Archer: Or wearing such shitty clothes.
%
Ray: You're taking me out of the field?
Malory: Well unless we need someone to go undercover as a shopping cart...
%
That's racist. Jingoist. Whatever.
%
Ouch my eyes. It's like being shot in the eyes by a glitter gun.
%
Archer: I got to blow up a train.
Lana: Thanks, Gomez.
Archer: Nice.
%
Lana: Please tell me that's a smoke grenade.
Archer: Okay. it's not though.
%
Malory: Have the porter bring me a cobb salad.
Lana: Before or after we capture the dangerous terrorist?
Malory: Before.
%
My great-grandfather was nuts for skating. That and the Klan.
Cheryl
%
Armed with what? Pamphlets about Canada's responsible gun control laws?
%
Thanks, Freddy Foreshadowing.
%
Can I just put what I assume is your rock collection on the stupid train?
Pam
%
Unless it was the creepy old people bondage sex police, why would anyone break in here and shoot him?
%
Malory: Who taught you to drive?
Cheryl: This guy I know called my dead father.
%
That was for Pearl Harbor!
Malory
%
Black, powerful, sexy. Like if Ron O'Neil was a car.
%
Lana: How much did Dodge kick in?
Malory: Not as much as you'd think.
%
Krieger: Press that red button.
Archer: Is it going to kill everyone?
Krieger: Press that blue button.
%
Archer: Does no one seriously no what today is?
Pam: Tuesday?
Cheryl: The rapture?
%
Archer: And I got to complete my life long dream.
Malory: Meeting Mr. Green Jeans?
%
They called you exotic. Which is just people talk for awesome. Which you are.
%
Your version didn't have coveralls.
%
He was chasing you all rapey. Fortunately, he's italian so that shouldn't be too hard to sell.
%
Krieger: I needed help disseminating him.
Cheryl: Eww!
Pam: Not what it means.
Lana: Still pretty gross though.
%
Cyril: Every single time we come here we have to help you get rid of a dead body.
Malory: Well you've only been here twice.
%
Lana: Someone is trying to frame Malory for assassinating the prime minister of Italy.
Cheryl: Ooh I bet it's that wicked king.
%
Archer: You have a potato?
Malory: What is this? Christmas?
%
Krieger: Coffee just like I like my women: black, bitter and preferably fair trade.
%
So once again you're left with the class Irish man's dilemma, do I eat the potato or do I let it ferment so I can drink it later?
Malory
%
I bet i wont even be able to eat spaghetti and meatballs ever again. Oh god, I could eat. Not necessarily spaghetti and meatballs, but not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs. I mean I really like spaghetti and meatballs. Man, if I don't get some spaghetti and meatballs I might literally die.
%
It's like a vagina with a zipper.
Cyril
%
Bring the heavy stuff, those ISIS bastards killed a black guy...I know, welcome to America.
Freedom Fighter
%
Commander: Is mutiny a joke to you?
Archer: I dunno, maybe a mutiny of clowns.
%
Can it be fired with an erection?
%
It has to be your place. Mine totally reeks of ocelot piss.
Cheryl
%
Bloody mary, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now in the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.
%
Best sex i've ever had. That includes Europe, Lana, and my Brazilian au pair.
%
This time really get in there. All you've been doing is giving one side hell.
Pam
%
Archer: Where did you learn all that stuff?
Pam: You know I grew up on a farm, right?
Archer: Really hoping that's not relevant.
%
Cheryl: Think about someone else for once in your life.
Lana: And that's her saying that.
%
Hello, is this air boats? Yeah, hi, it's me space bot.
%
Black astronaut. That's like killing a unicorn
%
You're not fit to be queen of...name a place.
Malory
%
With your looks, maybe bitchy isn't the way to go.
Lana
%
Please you'd do... name a noun
Malory
%
My tongue says sangria by my heart says michelada.
%
Commander Kellogg: Archer broke both of Wu's arms while shouting, "woo!"
Archer: Happy coincidence.
%
I left my lightsaber in my other space pants.
%
Jesus, Mary and Joseph Stalin! For the last time assholes, my name is....Shazam! How do you not remember that show?
%
Ray: To reiterate, I am paralyzed!
Cyril: Well, join a support group.
Malory: For who? Crippled gay hillbilly spies? There's a niche.
%
Archer: Did you just say Gay G B?
Cyril: Aww...do you think it's the mustache?
Ray: It's not helping.
%
Give it time. This isn't the Flintstones. We can't just wang him in the head with a frying pan!
Krieger
%
Archer: Oh my God!
Lana: What?
Archer: Michael Gray - was Billy Batson on Shazam!
%
Lana: Have you ever heard of ISIS?
Archer: From the Shazam/Isis Hour TV Show?
%
Ray: Ooh! Here's an idea. Why don't you just saw your God damned head off?
Cyril: Geez. What's up your butt?
Ray: Nothing is up my butt, Cyril. Oh, or maybe there is. I wouldn't know because I'm paralyzed from the waist down and it's Archer's fault!
Krieger: Uh, gettin' some mileage out of that, huh?
%
Malory: Duly noted and disregarded. And I expect you to be totally convincing.
Lana: As the damsel in distress? Have you ever met a woman less damselly?
Malory: Pam.
%
If you're having a legitimate problem with your vagina...
Barry
%
Predator only hunts in tropical jungles.
%
Bros before apparent threats to national security.
Sterling
%
I will hire Kenny Loggins to play an acoustic sense while I slap some sense into you.
Sterling
%
If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and murders a bunch of its fellow ducks...
Lana
%
Clean the secretly gay for Lucas Troy out of your ears.
Cheryl
%
Maybe I would if I had a peer in this whole building.
Malory
%
Maybe you can shut your dick holster.
Pam
%
First of all, it's Dr. I'll Solve Your Ant Problem.
Krieger
%
Malory: Well, you're in charge here. I'm off to get a seaweed wrap.
Ray: I didn't know they made sushi with dried clams.
%
I don't think he's even on this floor, but idiot Bret still managed to get shot.
%
Pam: Should I wash my hands?
Kriger: Eh, I didn't.
%
The last time she was in the field they were still using muskets.
Lana
%
Krieger: Do you ever want to walk again?
Gillette: No, because this way I never have to buy new shoes.
Krieger: Yeah, but is that worth it?
%
Gillette: Yes, I piss and shit in a bag.
Krieger: Me too!
%
Ray: Blow me.
Sterling: Why? You couldn't feel it.
%
Now it requires literal leg work, Ray. Like walking and maybe running. But hopefully not running because I'll be in brand new shoes.
Ray
%
Cyril: I only have two eyes and they were looking for hunters.
Lana: Why, is it pumpkin season?
Cyril: Is that a thing?
%
Wait, does Vermont have liquor stores? It has to. It sucks there.
Sterling
%
Sorry, that's just a sympathy boner.
Sterling
v
Sterling: If you don't want to see two robots smashing each other with cop cars and shit as they fight each other through the streets of Manhattan...
Krieger: Stop. My penis can only get so erect.
%
Shorty over there has a club with lumps on it. Kicking it old school Bedrock style.
%
Ron: Who the hell is going to sneak in from Canada?
Archer: Arctic wolves?
%
One of carbon's many oxides.
%
My third biggest fear. He brings home a whore and says "we're married." Oh and the whore has bangs.
Malory
%
Read a book between bi-annual suit case robbings.
%
Archer: How many times do I have to apologize?
Cheryl: Just once would be nice.
Archer: Uh, no.
%
Sterling: I have an El Camino.
Ron: Oh so you're all set. That will hold way more hispanics and lawn mowers.
%
Is something burning? Oh wait, it's you because you just got burned.
%
Ray: Should you be smoking in here?
Lance: Should you be flaming in here? Boom, bumper.
%
Lana: Why is there a camera?
Lance: I assume because this restaurant can't hold 3 million viewers
%
Who am I. Lewis and/or Clark?
%
I bet $300 seems pretty cheap for a map right now.
%
Are you constantly aware you have regular leg bones?
Ray
%
Are you shitting me? Bionic legs and you lifted with your back?
%
Obviously it's not heaven because Janis Joplin isn't giving me a rim job.
%
Malory: It's like if you've ever seen Jackie Gleason dance.
Pam: Is that a compliment?
Malory: I don't see how it possibly could be.
%
Archer: Are you kidding, I didn't even let [Woodhouse] go to his own brother's funeral.
Lana: Was he crushed?
Archer: He probably would have been if I told him about it.
%
Lana: Thank you for making me carry your bag through customs.
Woodhouse: No, thank you.
%
Something about nukes in Pakistan. Or one of the 'akistans.
%
He's like the Pelé of fetch.
%
So you beat up a Nazi, a nerd and queen of the robots?
Malory
%
The nation state equivalent of the short bus.
%
Somehow we're in a crazy universe where bonuses are based on merit and not whether you crawled out of your mother.
Lana
%
any idiot can got shot cyril. Ask Brett.
Malory
%
It's no secret agent, but it's way above architect.
Sterling
%
You can lie, but your boner can't.
%
Lana, this isn't entirely about race.
%
You really spent your entire inheritence on the poors?
Cheryl
%
I'm Randy Magnum, local Emmy-winning cameraman and nationally ranked pro kite surfer.
Sterling
%
Great, the world's first DSVUI.
Lana
%
Something something danger zone. I know. I'm not even trying anymore.
%
That's why she hijacked his helicopter? Talk about rich people problems...
%
Look, auditory hallucinations aren't going to make you any less delicious.
Pam [to "crab"]
%
Hairy navel. It started as a fuzzy, but I'm calling this vacation.
%
Pam: Speaking of, you see the bulge on that towel boy? Man, if I was you, I'd be in this spa 25/8.
Cheryl: Yeah, but then I wouldn't get to hang out with everybody at work.
Pam: You hate everybody at work.
Cheryl: I know. It's the only thing that gets me out of bed every morning.
%
Lana: I want it on record that I think this is a terrible plan.
Malory: Duly noted and disregarded. And I expect you to be totally convincing.
Lana: As the damsel in distress? Have you ever met a woman less damsely?
Malory: ...Pam.
%
Archer: Sour Mix? In a Margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?
%
Malory: I'm off for a seaweed wrap.
Ray: [Under his breath] I didn't know they made sushi with dried clams.
%
Malory: Oh, Ron, thank you for coming so quickly.
Pam: Phrasing! First! Boom!
%
Pam: This is Rodney, he's the new... whatever... Gun Librarian.
Rodney: Armoury Supervisor!
%
Cyril activates a laser alarm]
Lana: How could you not see that?!
Cyril: Because, I only have two eyes and they were both busy looking for hunters!
Lana: [Referring to Cyril's bright orange snow clothes] Why, is it "pumpkin season"?!
Cyril: [Gasps] Is that a thing?
%
Archer: [Seeing Cyril's orange snow clothes on the ground] Okay, so...really don't know what to make of that. Unless...[Looks around] Wait, no, no. Get it out of your head. Predator only hunts in tropical jungles...I assume...and desperately hope.
%
Archer: Ray's gonna be a cyborg over my dead body! Or preferably his! [Pause] But somebody's!
%
Archer: Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to apologize for that?
Cheryl: Once would be nice!
Archer: Hmm... No.
%
Archer: Are you going to open the damn door?
Rodney: Only if you give me that weapon.
Archer: Do you honestly want to live through the Rise of the Machines?! Which you won't, because no one will?!
Rodney: Uh—
Archer: It was rhetorical!
%
Krieger: A small power unit goes here on your... spiney thing, which sends electical impulses to your muscles and ligaments and... stuff, which I will fuse to a vanadium alloy endoskeleton, replacing your current, uh, leg bones.
Ray: I have to say, it kind of worries me that you don't know the names of the actual bones.
%
Cyril: Why is your instinctive response to run toward explosions?
Lana: Ummm... Because... I'm not a giant pussy!
Cyril: And yet, somehow, incredibly single.
%
[Cheryl is hysterical. Archer slaps her.]
Rodney: Whoa whoa whoa! Not cool man! That is not at all cool!
Cheryl: Rodney, you mind your own dicky beeswax! [To Archer] You got another one in ya?
Archer: I don't.
Cheryl: [seductively] Tease.
Archer: And I'm sorry for that one.
Cheryl: Don't be.
Archer: Because, I'm just going to say it, I think it's super creepy you get sexually aroused by physical violence.
Cheryl: Mmmm... Well, but also emotional violence...
%
[Archer suddenly crashes through the ceiling, naked, armed with an RPG. He stands and faces Cyril.]
Archer: [In a Terminator voice] Your clothes. Give them to me!
Cyril: Ah!
Archer: [In normal voice] I'm just kidding, obviously! I wouldn't be caught dead in a sweater-vest! Now, if you'll excuse me... [Passes out]
Pam: Just like Fourth of Jul-Luau!
Carol: Yeah, if you slid a pig under him.
%
Archer: Thank you... What was your name again?
Rodney: Rodney.
Archer: Thank you. Asshole.
%
Ron:...Which is why Ron Cadillac is opting out. And also why Ron Cadillac is going to swing by Montreal on his way home. Because Ron Cadillac is FREAKING EPIC!
%
Ron: Gimme a break ah? That wasn't my fault
Archer: (Finishes drinking bourbon) *Burp* Yeah, no. I mean obviously this was all due to the butterfly effect.
Ron: The what?
Archer: Butterfly effect. You know, a butterfly in Africa lands on a giraffe's nose, the giraffe sneezes, that spooks a gazelle, the gazelle bonks into a rhinoceros, and the rhinoceros blindly stampedes into a phone booth, calls New York somehow and says "Hey, go kill this idiot Ron, for a suitcase", because the rhinoceros speaks English!
(Beat)
Archer: What's in the suitcase, Ron?
%
Pam: My cooch has cobwebs!
%
Archer: Damn you tinitus, you're a cruel mistress!
%
Archer: Since certain people around here may not see how brilliant my plan is, they're gonna need to be...
Pam: Convinced?
Archer: I'm sorry, did you say 'incapacitated'?
%
Lana: [Climbing into air vent] Holy shit, there really are nerve gas canisters up here. [Beat] I though that was a joke.
%
Lana: I want it officially on record that I am strongly opposed to this mission.
Mallory: [Laughs] What record?
%
Archer: [To Ray] You're shitting me! Bionic legs and you lift with your back?!
%
Archer: Cyril, if you call ISIS: I will literally, LITERALLY murder you! I'd rather die than sit through another one of Lana's I Told You So 's
%
Archer: [Stranded in the desert] Unless I'm hallucinating, there's a Land Cruiser over there flipping his high-beams at us.
Cyril & Ray: You're hallucinating.
Archer: Oh. Well, the good news is we don't have to worry about these alligators... that's not actually good news, is it?
%
Lana: Why not?! Why won't you stand up to Malory with me?
Pam: Um, because we don't give a shit?
Lana: About the Earth?!
Cheryl: Please! If you really cared, you'd resign, but there's no way you ever will because you're just counting days until, her face bloated and yellow from liver failure, she calls you to her deathbed and in a croaky whisper explains that Mr. Archer is totally incompetent and that you, the long suffering Lana Kane, are the only one qualified to run ISIS and you weep shameful tears because this terrible place is the only true love you will ever know...
Lana: [shocked] ...Excuse me... [Leaves]
Pam: Daaaaaamn!
Cheryl: What? ...Oh-my-God was I talking?
%
Archer: He's a Master Chef! Which, turns out, is not nearly as gay a job as I thought it was. I mean, it's no secret agent, but it's way above architect.
%
Lance Casteau: Remember when I said you could've been a great chef?
Archer: Yes.
Lance: Every morning I make two cooks like you in the toilet.
%
Archer: Mexico's most notorious coyote... Which is Español for "people smuggler."
Lana: Thanks. That's—
Archer: And also for... coyote, it turns out.
Lana: Archer—
Archer: It's a loanword. Or is it a calque?
Lana: Why do you always do this?
Archer: Because I'm always bored.
Cyril: Is he—? This is totally nerve-wracking. How are you bored?
Lana: Don't engage him.
Archer: Because I've been lying in scorpion piss for two hours in the sun-blasted shit-hole which is Texas, waiting for a stupid truck stuffed with smallish brown people who just want a job.
Cyril: And probably Mexican cartel gunmen!
Lana: What'd I just say?
Archer: Big whoop. I'm spooning a Barrett .50-cal. I could kill a building.
Lana: Just put one through the engine block when the truck has to stop, please. [To Cyril] This is what he does. He knows we're tense, because we're normal human beings. My theory—and I'm serious—is that he's got some rare kind of pervasive developmental disorder, or even undiagnosed atypical autism.
Archer: Um... Your mic's hot.
Lana: I know.
Archer: Wow.
%
Lana: [To Cyril] Would you man up, Kimmy Kevlar?!
%
Cheryl: Milk comes from Mexicans? Oh my God, what's cereal made from?!
%
Malory: Swear to God, you people make me want to pump nerve gas through the vents.
Krieger: [over loudspeaker] Just say the word.
%
Malory: [To Bilbo] Clean the impending massive heart attack out of your ears!
%
Lana: What do you think you're doing?
Archer: My job, Lana.
Lana: And what part of your job exactly is groping my ass?
Archer: The part that calls for spy-craft. C'mon, we're posing as newlyweds, so—
Lana: Yeah, posing!
Archer: And I'm drunk on nuptial bliss.
Lana: You're drunk on champagne.
Archer: Eh, little column A, little column B.
%
Lana: ...then passing out on the bed, totally naked, for a... what'd you call it?
Archer: Power black out. And, you're welcome.
Lana: Yeah, thanks. The memory of your bare ass will bring me comfort and warmth during the coming nuclear winter!
Archer: Relax, it's North Korea. The nation-state equivalent of the short bus.
%
Cyril: God, were you raised in a barn?
Pam: No. I just slept out there a lot.
%
Krieger: [Running a Geiger counter back and forth over a glowing green pig, causing it to consistently go off the scale] Well, Pigley 3, that would certainly explain the glowing... [Runs the Geiger counter over his own crotch, causing it to go off the scale as well] And probably a few other things...
%
Archer: Go online and check your bank account.
Lana: Now? When I'm suction-cupped on a window thirty stories above the ground?
Archer: Yeah! You should have five bars.
Lana: Okay so, it's gonna sound like I'm hanging up? But— [hangs up]
%
Lana: Did you seriously climb all the way up here just to see what my bonus is?
Archer: No, I sarcastically climbed all the way up here to see what your bonus is! He said, sarcastically! Phone!
Lana: Okay. Jesus! Keep your voice... [checking phone] Whoa!
Archer: Sucks, right? That's not even... remotely fair! What the shit?!
Lana: Apparently, we're in a crazy parallel universe, where bonuses are based on merit instead of whether or not you crawled out of your [drops phone] mother!
%
North Korean Terrorist: [Having Lana and Archer hostage] Oh, we don't shoot you. After mission finish, we take you back to Glorious Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea.
Archer: Oh. Then do go ahead and shoot us.
Lana: Archer!
Archer: What, Lana? It's none of those things! It's not Democratic, it's not a republic and definitely not glorious!
%
Lana: Oh my God. Okay... You're abandoning the mission to go home and pout?
Archer: I'm not going home... I'm going down there to kick some Kim Jong Ass!
Lana: Wha— no! We're doing surveillance!
Archer: Yeah, which is apparently French for just sitting around on your ass!
Lana: Yeah, which is why it's surprising that you're soooo shitty at it.
%
Cyril: Suppressing Fiiiireeeee-Extinquisherrrrr!
Archer: Is that...
Lana: Cyril?!
Cyril: Lana!
Lana: I'm coming, Cyril!
Archer: Lana, wait! Bet that's the first time you ever said that. Right? Huh? Okay now we can go.
%
Archer: SMOKE FIGHT! WOOOO!
%
Lana: [cocking a gun] Cyril, hit the deck!
Archer: Wait, why Cyril-
Lana: [Shooting North Korean spies] GET SOME, YOU SONS OF BITCHES! GET SOME!
%
Pam: Aww man, did I miss it?!
Cheryl: Oh my god, the toilet!?
Pam: No, Jesus! ... Although it IS clogged.
%
Archer: Don't ruin the moment.
%
Archer: You're missing out on all the great things that Tangiers has to offer.
Lana: Name one.
Archer: Cheap...
Lana: [Interrupting] Apart from cheap hash and a repulsively low age of consent.
Archer: Rugs?
%
Cheryl: Ms. Archer, Lana for you, line one.
Malory: I'm not here.
Cheryl: [scared] Then how...
%
Malory: My God, a perfect score on the IFAAB merely indicates that a person is a candidate for field agent status, it can't determine if they're suited for actual field work. I mean, what if she had to subdue an agent?
Pam: Cue sad trombone, and...go.
[Snaps fingers, showing video of Cyril, Ray and Krieger being mauled by Pam.]
Malory: Pam! What the hell did you...waagh! [Brief shot of Cyril thrown to ground and picked up and thrown again] My God!
Krieger: And it goes on like that for another thirty-eight soul-cleaving minutes
Ray: Of which, you were there for two.
Krieger: Hey, I was scared, I ran away. Sue me. And sue me for this! Smoke bomb!
%
Lana:[While walking through the desert] Because you let him, you let him push your buttons. That's why you stormed off with no GPS, gun, phone, or lifesaving water. And that's why you died in the desert. [Beat] Holy shit I'm gonna die in the desert. [Gasps] Just like Cheryl's gypsy woman said!
[Flashback to the ISIS break room, as Lana is talking to Cheryl while opening a soda bottle]
Lana: How. Would I ever. Die in a dessert.
[Back to the present]
Lana: Well, pretty close.
%
Pam: Plus I'm a quick learner, plus you've seen me drive I'm an amazing driver, plus I almost never get sick, plus I already bought three pantsuits, plus...
Malory: Alright! I'll think about it.
Pam: Is that a real you'll think about it or a "Pam, if your pig Leon wins a blue ribbon at the county fair, maybe we won't kill him and eat him for Easter dinner and render what's left into soap" you'll think about it?
Malory: It's...
Pam: Because I never really got over that.
Malory: It's a real one.
Pam: YAAAAYYYY!!!
Malory: -- but thank you for that glimpse into your bleak, farmy childhood.
Pam: It was actually pretty awesome. And if I'm being honest, so was Leon.
%
Archer: [to Kazak the dog] Okay, buddy, so here's the deal. A., scrooch down! And B., normally in this situation, I'd do a pit maneuver, but if I do, the truck will flip, and if Lana doesn't die, best case scenario, she's a quadriplegic and I marry her out of guilt, but after a few years of feeding tubes and colostomy bags I start to resent her and the night nurse is, like, Brazilian and twenty. [Kazak growls] Don't judge me! I have needs, man! The point is, and it might be a kind of shitty plan, [jams the canteen against the gas pedal] but I'm gonna jump on the truck, so I need you to take the... [Kazak barks] Wheel, exactly. So, [sees Kazak is gone] Kazak? [Sees Kazak has jumped onto the truck and is mauling the kidnappers] Lana, look! He thinks he's vampires!
%
Malory: ...and then, give me the file I asked for!
Ray: Yeah, why don't I shove a broom up my ass and sweep the floor while I'm at it?
Malory: What was that?
Ray: Nothing!
Malory: Good. Saves you the embarrassment of an incredibly homophobic remark.
Cheryl: Awwwww.
%
[Pam's holding a large mirror above the Pope, who's sleeping]

Archer: Put that down, Pam, he's not-[Pam drops the mirror right on the Pope]...dead! Nice job, Oliver Cromwell!
Pam: I killed the Pope!
Archer: Yeah, that's why I said Oliver-
Pam: [Jumps on top of the mirror that's still on the Pope, grabbing Archer by his shirt] JESUS CHRIST, I'M GOING TO HELL! I'M GOING TO HELL! I-[Archer slaps her four times]
Archer: Pam.
Pam: Yes?
[Beat]
Archer: Get off the Pope.
%
Archer: Lana! NOW!
Lana: He said, last-wordsingly.
%
[Archer pulls up in a Bubble Car]
Lana: Are you shitting me?!
Archer: What? It was either this or the Vespas. It's not my fault Italy's so gay!
%
Swiss Guard: The good news is my men have apprehended Cardinal Correlli, who immediately confessed to the plot.
Pam: HA-HEY! That is good news!
Lana: You know how the whole the good news is thing works, right?
Swiss Guard: The bad news is...
Pam: Oh, right.
%
Archer: But the real good news is that we saved the Pope's life!
Swiss Guard: For which we are grateful. However, we cannot tell these two apart, so...
Archer: So I actually have an idea about that.
Lana: Is it...take them both home, see which one's a better butler, and give the other one back to the Catholic Church?
Archer: Uhh, never mind.
%
Malory: Last night, an Air Force B-52 bomber crashed off the coast of Bermuda!
Archer: Well it's about frickin' time! [Beat] What, we're not bombing them in advance of an amphibious invasion?
Lana: Why would we invade Bermuda?
Archer: Oh... Bermuda, duh. I was thinking Bahamas.
Lana: Same question.
Archer: Same answer: Why not? It's how we got the Virgin Islands.
Cyril: Actually, the United States bought the Virgin Islands from Denmark.
Archer: Okay, Mr. Peabody...
Malory: Are you finished?
Archer: Yes?
Malory: Good. Because the B-52 was—
Archer: In the middle of the Bermuda Triangle! Is this about the Bermuda Triangle? Because that's my fourth biggest fear.
%
Malory: The B-52 is on the ocean floor here at a depth of 8,000 feet—
Archer: Or 1,333 fathoms.
Lana: How do you know that?
Archer: How do you not?
%
Malory: ...So we're going to beat the Russians!
Archer: [Sarcastically claps] Give it up, everyone. Mike Eruzione!
%
[Tiffy (the pilot) has been arguing with Cheryl about veganism over the intercom]
Cecil: Hey, Tiffy. Could you, instead of antagonising her, maybe go ahead and take off? [The chopper judders as it takes off] Love You! [To Archer, who's mixing a cocktail] We'll rendezvous with my research vessel in a few hours. So, in the meantime, I guess, continue to make such wildly liberal use of the bar.
Archer: Done!
%
Cecil: Hi, it's Pam right? Enjoying the cruelty-free vegan seafood buffet?
Pam: It's pretty good once you get over how allergic I am to soy.
Cecil: What?! Oh my God, don't eat that!
Pam: HEY! I'm a consenting adult! [Cough] Plus, I assume you've got an epi-pen on this rip-tide-looking bastard?
Cecil: Yes, in the cockpit. In the First Aid Kit.
Pam: Then shut up! [continues devouring the "shrimp"]
%
Cheryl: [To her brother] You really spent your entire inheritance on... the poors?
%
Cpt. Murphy: I'll be waiting for you.
Lana: Was that... Did he sound like... Do you think this is some kind of a trap?
Archer: What? No, Idon't think it's a trap! Although I never do. [Beat] And it very often is.
%
Lana: We're from ISIS.
Cpt. Murphy: Jesus Christ, no wonder this all went tits-up.
%
Ray: LANA! Would you hurry up?
Lana: Said the guy apparently too busy counting his bionic legs to help.
%
Sterling Archer: [To Lana] But the point is we are highly trained covert operatives who am extremely dangerous set of skills. [To Pam] PAM! LEG!. [Back To Lana] Since the government has unjustly accused us of treason. We are now forced to transfer those skills from Espionage to criminal activity. Kind of like the A-Team but we sell drugs.
%
Ron: Next time, remind me to get shot in the head.
Archer: Ron, next time, get shot in the head.
%
Lana: What are you eating?
Pam: Yogurt.
Malory: [snatching spoon] Give me that! Lick it.
Archer: Well, can't unhear that. [Takes lick from spoon] Holy shit, yogurt is amazing! Why have I never tried yogurt?
Lana: How have you never tried yogurt?
Archer: Mmm, I didn't know it was that good.
Malory: It's good because it's cocaine!
Archer: Oh, my God, and little kids eat it?
%
Cheryl: [as Pam carries her off] This is only somewhat like that old Gypsy woman said!
%
Cyril: How do you not know the different kinds of porn?
Archer: Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the Internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing and a sock
%
Cyril: What do crocodiles eat?
Archer: EVERYTHING! THEY EAT EVERYTHING! And fear is their bacon bits!
%